It is an odd number in the life of the human. For many in my family it would mark the halfway point in their lives. But today I realize that I don’t “feel” thirty. In many ways I feel much older. My body is wracked by the pains of youthful athletic pursuits. Yet, in other ways I don’t feel any older than I was 10 years ago.
My mind is still growing and my hopes and dreams remain unchanged, if not more deeply understood. The mind continues to grow which betrays the concept of aging and death; the growth not towards an end but away from childish ignorance. This leads me to believe that 30 is not something to be felt but rather something that is, clouded by the variety of feelings the conscience can experience. Much like the death of fall being clouded over by the wash of vibrant colors or in the way the cool autumn breeze only makes the sun’s rays feel that much the warmer.
As much as age seems to wear on our body, our minds understand better the concept of time not as limiting in its gift towards us but in its indifference to our presence. Time doesn’t really slow down when we hurt, nor speed up to make the good flash by in an instant. It is reluctant to acknowledge emotion or hope. It is cold and yet giving, distant and ever with us.
I have lived thirty years on this planet and in the scheme of things I haven’t accomplished what we are lead to believe is required of a thirty year old, in the traditional sense. I am not firmly in my chosen profession. I have simply come back in from the cold and started to grind my way towards it. I don’t have any children yet, despite loving kids. I am a married 30 year old husband who is back in school chasing his dream job with the admiration for dreams of a 5 year old and the dedication of a grown man.
For thirty trips around the sun this mass of carbon based living organic matter has loved and laughed, tried and failed, and smiled in the warmth of the sun. I have had good days and bad. Been misunderstood, not understood and overlooked. I have been appreciated and disregarded. And for all of these things I am grateful.
Today I am thirty years old. And tomorrow I will be…